Recently a colleague asked for some advice on dealing with his
mom. He assumed that since I am in the business of serving older
adults I would have some wisdom on the topic. I started by
admitting that those in my profession are often no more effective
when it comes to facing the challenges of an aging parent. As we
started to talk I realized that through personal and professional
experience I had learned a few things. I knew this when he began
taking notes.
First of all it occurs to me that while our parents may turn to
us for advice occasionally, generally they feel that they are the
parent and they should be the one doing the supporting,
emotionally, financially, or otherwise, even if we are old enough
ourselves to be somebody's grandparent.
So how do we chime in when we feel that something critical needs
to be addressed? A classic example is when the time arrives
that you are certain it is no longer safe for your parent to drive.
It used to be that this was more of a male issue but now our moms
are every bit as wedded to the freedom of driving and just as
fiercely determined to hold on to the privilege.
One way to broach the problem is to try to work through a
trusted peer of your parent, perhaps a sibling or best friend;
someone you can talk to who is familiar with the driving skills of
your parent and whose opinion might be better received than your
own. The more you can keep your visits limited to ordinary
parent-child discussions the better off you will be. You don't want
mom dreading your phone calls for fear that you will have another
thing she "just has to do for her own good."
One way to prepare for the inevitable age related concerns is to
talk about them long before any issues present themselves. For
example, my mother loves her big bungalow which once housed her and
eight other family members. She now lives there alone and enjoys
being one block from her church and being close to long-time
friends. But for the last 20 years, one or another of my siblings
has told her she has to start to consider moving to a condo so she
won't have to worry about stairs and all the upkeep. Once we
learned how important it was to her to stay put we could
concentrate on how to make that work.
Finally, we need to save our battles for the real important
issues. If indeed mom is a demonstrated hazard on the road, it is
incumbent upon us to take the keys away and find ways to support
her transportation needs. But mostly we should just be her child
who shares our successes, listens to her stories and is aware of
what steps she will want us to take when the time comes.
Bill Lowe
President and CEO of CMSS
Chicago Skilled Nursing
Chicago Senior
Living