I can remember as a child how the adults around me would
constantly remind their children how difficult it is to be a
parent. It is a truism often stated that being a parent is one of
the toughest jobs in the world. But no one ever spoke about the
challenges facing the children of aging parents.
Every day we talk with people who call us and share their
stories with us. There are certain themes that run throughout these
conversations, and I've often wondered if anyone has ever sat down
to write a guidebook for today's overburdened "sandwich"
generation, caught between the needs of their children and their
parents, not to mention spouses and jobs.
The daughter of one client told me the story of her sister's
children, who confronted their mother one day saying, "We get it
Mom. It's your parents, your job, and then us." Understandably,
this was a painful moment for this daughter/mother/spouse/employee,
who was struggling to look after two fragile and aging parents,
while juggling all of the other obligations in her life.
And what of the daughter who promised her mother that she could
remain living in her home, only to have her mother - who suffers
from dementia - walk out of her home and disappear for several
hours? Should honoring her mother's wishes by allowing her to
remain living independently, despite the risks this poses, take
precedence over her mother's safety and well being?
What of the parents who shield their financial situation from
their children, who when a crisis arises, have no idea how to
access funds for their parent's care? Let's not forget the stories
we hear all too often of seniors found living in squalor. How
should a child cope with this? Where are the maps and guidebooks to
help a child navigate the thickets of remaining a loving and
respectful child, while taking on a stronger and more significant
role in a parent's life?
It's an unhappy truth that not all questions have answers - or
that some questions have too many possible answers. People often
ask us what the "right" decision is - or how will they know if the
path they choose is the best one - when is the "right" time to act?
The only answer that I have come up with is not a very satisfying
one. There rarely is a "right" answer; the decision that results
from doing one's homework and asking a lot of questions and
consulting with loved ones - communing quietly with oneself - this
comes closest to being the "right" answer.
In a wonderful movie that I watched the other night, a daughter
details her struggles with coming to terms with her mother's
dementia. The film, Complaints of a Dutiful Daughter, was filled
with humor and pathos, and was a powerful expression of the
emotional storms and quotidian minutiae that can consume us. In the
end, however, the daughter learned how to redefine her relationship
with the mother who no longer recognized her daughter. Once she
understood that she couldn't "fix" the situation, the daughter
learned to adapt herself to this strange new paradigm of a mother,
and in the process, she, too, was reborn and renewed. Perhaps,
there's a lesson here for all of us.
Laura Solomon
Director, Covenant Methodist Home Care
Chicago Senior Living
Assisted Living
in Chicago